Hex-Men: Aflopalypse

I think I have had enough. Why do they do these things to us, why? X-Men: Apocalypse, the most recent flop in the X-Men sequels. Why is it so hard to use your imagination to create something unimaginable? By this point I shouldn’t be watching a movie and going ‘they should have done this, they should have done that’ but here we are and now, forced to help you understand what should and shouldn’t have happened!

But before this, the man to shoot is Bryan Singer – Directed X-Men 1&2, X-Men Origins (Wolverine), X-Men: Days of Future past, as well as this recent catastrophe X-Men: Apocalypse. Oh but he is not done making things bad for us, he also intends to Produce X-Men the TV show #SadFace!

 What should/shouldn’t have happened

• The children, oh the children! When you put so many children into these grownup things and it becomes less of an action movie (that we paid money to see) and more of an adventure fantasy like Narnia or the Never Ending Story! Action level was at 40/100. Sure they can blame it on the PG-13 age rating, but so were the Batman and Bourne sequels, so?
• How many times is Byran going to raid the X-Men mansion to steal children, seriously? They did it in X-men 2 and again in X-Men Apocalypse! See what I mean by ‘use your imagination to create something unimaginable?’ These people are simply reverting to memory and drawing up ideas from archives. Sad!
• Apocalypse Midget – Dear owner and management of Hollywood, please take away Bryan’s license to kill movies that we love! Apocalypse, on average, is about 7 feet tall however he can grow to substantially greater heights at will. So who is this midget in oversized boots and outfit? Just tell me this cause I don’t think Frodo or any of the Baggins were ever part of the Marvel Universe. Why?
• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – The mere sound of this lets you know that these guys are not here to play games. If you remember your bible, these Horsemen where Death, Famine, War & Conquest! So in all honesty what the hell is a guy called Angel doing in this place? Storm and Psylocke should have been left out too for real. From a long range of deadly/frightening characters in Marvel, is this the worst you could come up with? Besides Magneto, the original Badman, here are some Characters that could have played the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!

o   Rogue – Whatever happened to this great character?

o  Gambit – Would have been a perfect time to introduce this character as well as show a little of the on-off romance with Rogue

o   Mimic – although this one might need a short movie of his own.

o   Sabretooth – A beast VS Sabretooth fight would be one to watch. Think revenant but imagine DiCaprio could actually fight back!

·  Wolverine fight scene – I have come to realize that Hollywood does not understand who/what Wolverine is! I mean, this 137 year old guy has been through Hell in his lifetime and even actually been to Hell, yes the real Hell, possessed by demons and what not. In short he is a really pissed off animal – the stuff of horror movies and camp fire stories! I mean, Hugh Jackman was more animal in Van Helsing than we are seeing here. And to top it off, he has military training, a master of virtually all forms of martial arts and will sometimes lapse into a ‘berserker rage’ while in close combat. In this state he lashes out with the intensity and aggression of an enraged animal. Now with some of these pointers on hand, watch those scene again, this guys is slow and just growling around while he slices here and stabs there. Where is the skill, where is the real animal! We shall talk about what Bryan did wrong in the other Wolverine movies another time.

All in all, I think Bryan Singer should stick to drama or quit producing movies all in all. If he chooses to stay in action, get an action director and hire staff that actually read comics!

Super-Limp

Before I dive into the legend, spear in hand and clear disappointment in my heart, let me first give you a glimpse into who SUPERMAN/The Man of Steel (here in referred to as MOS), really is; 

·        Birthdates; MOS' general given  is February 29th. Clark Kent's is June 18th, the day his rocket landed on Earth. Good luck to any that share these dates 

·        When first created he was a bald telepath who wanted world domination, remind you of anyone?

·        First appearance was in Action Comics in 1938 but learnt how to fly in 1941! HEHE

·        The Creators sold the rights to MOS in return for a measly $130 in 1938. There is an on-going legal battle in attempt to void this contract. The saga continues

·        Clark Kent and MOS have been seen together. Take a minute here. 

·        Batman owns MOS, well, owns Lois and Clark. Bought their apartment as a gift to them and also bought the Daily planet where they both work. 

·        The producers wanted to have James Earl Jones to play Perry White in Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman. But the studio and advertisers flushed this idea, because America wasn't ready for a black Perry White.

·        Up to 7 people have played MOS.  One died shortly after, another was paralysed in a tragic accident, and all have been unable to shake the close association with the role and swing it into an A-list career. Good luck Cavill cause success seems to be wrapped in a big Kyptonite bow. 

Now to the Movie, mad props for the fight scenes in amazing 3D, I mean these clowns just took the entire MARVEL and downloaded it into DC’s MOS. Leaves me wondering what the next HULK, Thor or Iron Man fight scenes will be left with. (Yes I understand the differences btn Marvel and DC)

Let me explain, we had the Hulk figure in the form of one of Zod’s minoins who lead the massive out of this world ass whopping on the MOS. We had the suits the flights the gods from other worlds, the wormholes falling buildings tornadoes and much more! The next Thor/Hulk might have to be set in the Sahara desert cause of on-going repairs in the US of A. #MOS4EVER

Now that the pat on the back is out of the way we can scream, WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY DOING??

1.     LADIES FIRST; Lois Lane, it’s delightful that she is blonde this time round and Ironically brilliant as she solves the CLARK–SUPERMAN riddle that had plagued her predecessors, however, this MOS- Lois love falls out of the sky and into our laps like one of them was locked in a tower since birth, no chemistry no sparks no passion whatsoever, King Kong and Fay Ray had a better connection than these two! And she gets a ride onto the spaceship on Zod’s orders, for what? She randomly appears everywhere MOS goes, how? The brief moment Clark and Lana had in the school bus was more hopeful than Lois' run around for the MOS.

2.     FAR STAR; Krypton, home of the MOS, we realised that the entire genetic code of the people from this lost home was embedded in the MOS’ DNA by his father Jor El, Jor El also created a Chip of sorts that would ensure the continued survival of their race on Earth, he lets His Son know of these plans and the entire plot just falls to nothing after this! Did Jor El side with Zod to an extent but disagree on the annihilation of the human race? Did he leave it to his son to decide the fate or both races?  If the latter (The most obvious choice) is true MOS didn’t understand the options the same way NEO’s earlier versions couldn’t comprehend the destruction of ZION. He fights more to keep his fallen race in oblivion than to save his new home! A lose-lose scenario. He destroys the original Chip and the mother ship all at once without a second thought; he even goes on to say ‘Krypton had its chance!’ I mean this chap was fighting so hard to make sure Krypton and the Kryptonian’s would never have a chance in hell of ever re-spawning. It is one thing to fight Zod and his bullies, but do so by finishing off every bit of who you are is another thing.

3.     DEATH CLASP; Superman NEVER kills, that’s his number 1 rule, thou I love the fact that he went ape for a moment there,

4.     BACK TO SCHOOL PROMO; Every story has to have a down moment, that part of the movie when you suddenly realise that maybe the writers have truly fncked us and let the hero die. The feeling you had when u saw the Spartans or Marv from Sin City bite the dust, when all hope is lost and only shock, hate, anger and disbelief remains – there was none of this. If It was good enough for Bruce when he entered the Dragon it’s good enough for the MOS. Anyway, it’s from this moment that a hero is Reborn – better, stronger, wiser, and it is this ability to overcome all the bad guy throws at him that makes him the HERO. Not the cape or the Blonde but brilliant unromantic reporter, not the gravity defying sound barrier breaking flight, it’s this simple formula.

Example; Superman Returns (hated by most but loved by the few with brains left) when Superman fly’s to Krypton on earth courtesy of MR. Luther, he is beated like a rabid dog on the streets on mbale to just an inch of his life, stabbed with a Krytonite blade deep into his side and in classic villan blunder, left to die in the Ocean – long story short the man is saved, Kryptonite removed from side and without hesitation, he flys back for round 2. The determination, the confidence, the SACRIFICE!!

Anyway without saying much, this is my diagnosis of the Movie I waited for, woke up at 7am to buy a ticket and waited in line for an hour to see, will I see it again… Yes, TOMORROW!!

Lifes little Gambles!

Okay… so, how do you move from all the way up to a smack in the face down,

from plenty to less than enough?

To a point where you become ‘the other person’?

Here is how… 

YOU DON'T,

you accept the cards you have been dealt,

you look around the world of players,

Float and hope from heart deep to sky high that they don’t call your bluff!!

Realize when you need to fold or call,

Stare the dealer in his left eye and don’t flinch,

Sip slow, 

breathe easy, 

slow roll and move true to your heart’s desire,

Then and only then might you survive,

LIFE’S A GAMBLE,

But there’s ways to cheat! 

NOW, Harpers Island, there have been some very poorly written scripts before (Names withheld but feel free to comment below) that we have managed to sit through while looking past the obvious blunders and pitiable acting, but clearly Harpers Island might actually have the trophy for worst series I have ever seen in their trophy cabinet somewhere. Below are some of the reasons why, but before that, let me give you a brief synopsis of the series;

Harper's Island where the ‘murder mystery’ happens was once the scene of a gruesome sequence of murders seven years earlier. Now family and friends gather on the island for a wedding, but one by one they begin to die.

My problem is not so much with the actors but more with the script and its writers that chose to depict the characters as a batch of spineless, reflex impeded individuals as you will easily realize upon reading this or watching the series for yourself. So here we go;  

1.      Takes them 4 episodes and a death in a church to realise that up to 4 people have died since they boarded the boat to come to the Island. Their friends and Family have been simply vanishing and nobody notices until a dude gets some kind of spear right in the face. Then it’s oh, wait a minute, this dude is dead too, that dude is dead as well. Oh well we need to be a little bit more careful, arrest that retard (JD)and lets go back to our lives. Deduct 30 Points

2.      What was up with people knocking at doors and not saying anything even after being asked to identify themselves more than 3 times? I mean?? Squeeze first ask questions last, that’s how most of these so called gangsters last (Notorious BIG). Deduct 10 Points

3.      And then there is this retarded little girl they let wonder off all over the Island. We later realise she has made good friends with the bloody serial killer. What kind of parents are these anyway? We have concluded that they don’t really care about their family and friends but their kids too? This is too much. And for some reason she knows her dad is dead and still thinks it’s a game! Then she forgets some important information like, oh the dude that kidnapped me told me to lie to all of you and lastly (when it’s too late of course) remembers to mention there were two people where she was kept and not one. Deduct 20 Points

4.      And what happened to the scrap book that Abby was working on? For a moment I thought this endeavour was going to serve some purpose in the entire mystery, sadly not. It just vanished and that was that. Meanwhile the blond girl that fell into a hole while running after her little dog is never found; nobody even noticed she had died. And what happened to the dog eventually?? Deduct 15 Points

5.      Then comes the pointless journal the killer wrote in prison confessing how he murdered all those people and how they had to pay. I am not an expert on prisons but that seems like a confession to me, how’d this animal get 7 years only?? How’d the Scarface in the woods land on it and how in the world did JD get mixed up with him?? Here is how; Get this here and put that there, now we have a script, roll camera, let’s get paid and go home. Deduct 30 Points not 50 as it should have been.

6.      Why does everyone seem to forget to state the obvious and most important things, the little girl and her equally dull mom seem to forget the information about Jimmy being a suspected accomplice of Wakefield, or the sheriff who fails to tell Abby and Henry that Wakefield is not dead till he has a rope round his neck and is about to hang 12 above ground. I mean?? Deduct 5 Points

7.      Nobody remembers to reload their guns or even carry extra ammo. Why does everyone want to carry a double barrel anyway?? It loads 2 shots at a go; you left the shot guns behind!! Deduct 5 Points

8.      When Wakefield raids the bar, this dude grabs a table knife while the killer has a sword of sorts; the girl behind him grabs the shot gun and runs. If you do not see what’s wrong here then this series was made for you, have fun. Deduct 30 Points

Long story short, it sucked but I watched every last bit of it. It was funny looking at these fools get hunted, trapped and slayed while they wondered to themselves and each other, why or how it was happening!!

Meanwhile, they just had to have a bride running from the bad guy in her wedding dress, really, is there another way of saying we are so cliché and we love it?

Point the actual series begins at the end of episode 12 (Out of 13) when Henry kills his fiancé and we learn that he is actually Wakefield’s son and accomplice. If you have to watch this, simply skip to this episode and remind yourself that all you are missing is a couple of very low IQ’d people on an Island getting picked off one by one according to their levels of intelligence, the bright ones first and retards go last.

I am not going to lie but I knew Henry (The groom) was the killer, if you have a keen eye for detail, you would have noticed the handwritings all around the Island, the same handwriting in the note he sent his fiancé in episode 4 asking her to meet him in room 214! However, as time went on, I momentarily lost that belief, so 5 points for the writers there.

Total points deducted = -115

Total points awared = +5

Total over all points = -110.

The /er. 

Legend of article.  [  / = Slash  ]

Before anything, I’d like to apologize to my dear / by mistake / unfortunate readers and followers for the sudden departure of ‘I’ the unprofessional / uncoordinated / poor spelling and poor punctuational writer. Worry not for I have taken it upon myself to punish thy self severally, as I write right now, please hold the following image close to your right hand before you smite down upon thy poor / pitiable scribe.

I am currently seated / cross-legged infront of my laptop / desktop at 4 / four /for in the morning while it pours cats and dogs outside, listening to a cocktail / mix / big mistake of Luther vandrose and Phil Collins drinking a small / humongous glass of wine / bottle of what might be an expired bottle of Vodka making a list of all my disappointments, all of which point to the man in the mirror. So it would seem I have a clear grasp of the problem??!! Not a bit, if life has taught me one thing / 20, is that understanding the problem is only the beginning of another problem, how to figure out a solution! Alas, maybe that’s what the comment section of this blog / diary / therapy is for. Feel free not to leave a comment; I will sincerely not appreciate it.

Okay, now that we have gotten that out of the way / thrown right into your face like a hot pancake, please remember to share / pimp this blog to all your friends / family / cute under 33 sisters with no babies that drive hummers and think gravity is in their wallets... (Writer swallows huge ball of saliva and continues) and let them know I am currently in a relationship / World war 3 / loving it and happy / call me / I forget the point. (That would be another time a periods saved my life)

Allow me to sign off right here and see you later / not if I see you first / duck like I inhaled dissolved engine oil meant for my knees and elbows...

The /er!

ImPROvise

When life hands you lemons, try to make mango juice instead, who’s to say it’s not the right thing to do? From my point of view, I have come to realise that we seem to have all accepted some unwritten law of fate and labelled it, 'that's the way its supposed to be' or my favourite 'But, that's just how things are'!! 

Here is an example from personal experience. This morning I woke up, a little later than am supposed to, and had this sudden craving for weetabix cereal. Unfortunately, the cupboard held other contents less appropriate to the occasion, Corn flakes!! Don’t get me wrong, I really like Corn flakes, but why today again!! Why didn’t I remember to buy more weetabix, why didn’t I run out of Corn flakes instead. As the clock ticked away and I slowly run into the shower session of my morning, it hit me, if you really want something then go out and get it! But not to the shops because they were still closed or the neighbours cause I doubt they had any anyway, but to the shelf where I put my blender!! 

Carefully measuring the quantities I was able to consume under the limited time I had left, I placed the corn flakes into the blender and 'blended' the corn flakes  into what slowly started to resemble what I craved most at that moment. After 5 minutes of none stop 'blending', the weetabix were ready and had actually even been warmed by the blade at the bottom of the accidental hero, the BLENDER. The rest was the usual,milk, sugar and no banana. Although it didn't quite taste like weetabix, I felt an overwhelming feeling of triumph over my dilemma. 

Never the less, I was handed Corn flakes and I had Weetabix. Same theory may apply to situations in life. We need to stop accepting things as they come. Only two things in life are unavoidable, death and taxation (Mark Twain), and these also depend on where live and in which era, for example if you were an Egyptian Pharaoh, it would be a different story. 

My suggestion would be, when you do receive your corn Flakes, take a step back and think, is this all I can get out of this? Is this what I really want? And once you realise that what you have is not what you really want, think about making Weetabix instead and do it quickly, if you don’t want to be late.

Author Unknown!

To my dear wife,

I can't wait to fall in love with you, understand you, hate your differences and still love you for them,

I can't wait for the fights, lying next to you and realizing it wasn't worth it, you chose me, you're mine and I yours, I'm supposed to make you happy,

Can't wait to miss you!

Cant wait to see the babies you'll give me, and see how much of you is in them, 

Can't wait for u to ask me if I still love you so I can prove I do and always will, 

Cant wait to make you cry, then Comfort you cause you remind me of how much it would hurt to lose you,

Want to get jealous, hate someone cause you hate them too!

Can't wait not to speak and still understand each-other, 

I can't wait... For you!!